A Bad Segue
by Quagga
Summary: Mindful of his upcoming date with Sakura, Lee decides that Neji must help him “train”. What ensues is a bad parody and the beginning of Neji’s blossoming into manhood.NejiLee.


**Title**: A Bad Segue

**Pairings, Spoilers, and all that jazz**: Lee/Neji, with hints of Lee/Sakura. Takes place some time after ch. 238/episode 135 (during timeskip, basically), but contains no spoilers.

**Warnings: **This contains slash – and if that offends you, don't bother reading this. Please.

**Notes: **I write almost exclusively angst and drama (often with a side of violence)... so now it's time for something completely different!

* * *

"_Absolutely not!"_

"But Neji! Surely you, too, are interested in learning the art of--"

"If _this_ is what it takes? No."

"—But Gai-sensei said--"

"—I don't care what Gai said. No."

"—Neji, this is the spring time of our youth! We must make the best of it!"

"…No."

It had been a pleasant spring night – Neji had just finished training in the forest, and he was now planning on retiring for the evening to the Hyuuga branch family compound. Lee, apparently, had other ideas – and now that he was faced with the most ridiculous proposition he had ever heard in his life, Neji decided that the night was swiftly souring.

"Wait, Neji!" And Lee's expression changed from cheerful to slightly suspicious. For Lee, anyway – he must have been trying to scowl, but it only caused him to look even more ridiculously unthreatening than usual. "Do you mean to tell me that you have already experienced the joys of--?"

"No"

"Then why can't we, Neji?" Lee cried, loudly.

"—I… Never mind. Just go away. Leave me alone."

"But Neji, what if Gai-sensei tests us on this?"

Neji's stomach churned at the mere idea of what such a test would entail. "I'd willingly fail."

"That is most unlike you! If you're feeling uncomfortable, I can lend you the notes! Gai-sensei dictated to me five pages of advice, tips, useful techniques, and--"

"_Lee." _

"Yes?"

"No."

Lee gave Neji a deeply contemplative look. Neji stared right back, and Lee noticed, after a moment, that his team mate's big, white eyes seemed even bigger than usual.

"Lee."

"Yes, Neji?"

"You're two inches from my face."

"That is correct. Good observation, Neji!"

"…Could you back up a little?"

"Neji! Please reconsider! According to Gai-sensei any decent shinobi must learn these arts!"

"Lee. _No_."

"Very well." Thankfully, Lee did back up – and once he did, Neji realized that Lee had actually been uncomfortably close to pinning him against a tree. "I challenge you, then."

Neji stared at him. "Lee. You're down 475 to zero. Why not give up?"

"NEVER! Besides, this is necessary! As you would say, fate has decreed that Sakura-san and I will be having a 'romantic' outing tomorrow. I must learn _beforehand_ the proper art of kissing a woman."

As Lee spoke, he watched Neji's saturnine features, and couldn't help but notice that one of the other boy's aristocratically thin eyebrows started to twitch rather noticeably.

"Lee. Do I look like a woman to you?"

Lee wisely chose not to respond.

"If you want to practice kissing a woman, go find one with…" Neji paused, somewhat contritely, and seemed to consider his words. "…Loose morals, and have at it!"

"_Neji,_ don't you see? That would be dishonorable!"

"And_ this_ wouldn't be!?"

Lee briefly noted that Neji's eyebrow was still twitching, but it didn't faze him too much – Neji hadn't activated Byagukan, and it was reasonably safe to assume that he wasn't truly pissed. Yet.

"Neji. Don't _you_ also need practice for when you kiss Ten Ten?" Lee asked, reasonably, but a moment later, he backed up a little, seeing an oddly murderous glint suddenly appear in his team mate's pale eyes.

"…Ten Ten? Why would I kiss Ten Ten?"

"…Because she is a fine young woman in the spring of her youth!"

"…No. She is not."

"Yes, actually … Haven't you noticed? Ten Ten is, indeed, a woman."

"I know that, Lee! I know what a woman is!"

"Do you, Neji?"

"I meant that I _don't_ kiss Ten Ten. Why don't _you_ kiss Ten Ten, Lee?"

"Are you implying that Ten Ten has loose morals?"

"What?"

"You just said I should practice kissing a woman with loose morals!" Lee nearly shouted, holding up his fist and brandishing it aggressively. "If you _are_ implying that Ten Ten is a 'loose woman,' I must challenge you to a fight in order to defend her honor!"

Greatly undaunted, Neji smirked. "I'm sure Ten Ten could do a better job than you could at defending her honor." The smirk faded. "Anyway, Lee. If you really want to practice kissing a woman, why don't you kiss SAKURA?"

"Clearly, you do not understand!" Lee said, throwing his hands over his eyes in a gesture of woe. "I want my first kiss with Sakura to be perfect! So I must train in the arts of kissing a woman with a neutral party before our romantic outing tomorrow!"

Neji stared at him, nonplused.

"…Surely, Gai-sensei has told you about pleasing women?"

Neji only stared, and Lee elaborated.

"A first kiss _must_ be perfect, especially for a woman as wonderful as Sakura-san!"

Neji still stared, and Lee noticed that the tic in his eyebrow had vanished. Now he looked vaguely suspicious and – although it was hard to tell – a little curious.

"Anyway, Neji. Let's make a deal – if you agree to this, I will share Gai-sensei's secret 'nice guy' techniques for pleasing women--"

"NO!" Neji said, loudly.

"But Neji, if not Ten Ten, surely you do have a woman in mind that you one day hope to kiss!"

"…Shouldn't you be training now, Lee? Or have you suddenly mastered Ninjitsu while I wasn't looking?"

"Is it Ino? Or…Oooh, Neji! Is it Hinata-san?"

"NO!"

"Neji, really. If you're not--"

"I'm not interested."

"But shouldn't you--"

"—I don't care about… girls. My goal is only to become stronger for the next Chuunin exam." Neji didn't add that the last one had been a total disaster, and thought about adding that it had been even _more_ of a disaster for Lee. There was no time for either of them to be bothering with this trivial nonsense –

"—But Neji! To become a well-rounded shinobi, you must also have _passion_! Both of the spirit and of the heart, which naturally leads to --"

"No."

"But Gai-sensei said--"

"Lee. NO!"

"—Learning how to please a woman – or man, if you will – requires excellent concentration, technique, and patience, which are three qualities the most shinobi possess. Some missions might even require--"

"—Lee. Why don't you just ask a GIRL?"

"Because! Sakura-san must be the first woman I kiss!"

"Then ask Kiba! Or Chouji! Or Shikamaru! Or Shino!"

"It would be much more difficult to practice kissing with them than it would be with you!"

An eerie silence followed, and after a few seconds, Lee wondered if Neji had suddenly fallen asleep. Just before he gave his team mate a nudge, Neji spoke again, in a slow, dangerous tone.

"…And _why_ is that, Lee?"

"We are team mates. We do everything as a team." Lee replied, not wanting to admit the real reason was that Neji was, admittedly, prettier than most women in Konoha and thus the closest he could get to the _real_ thing without actually _kissing_ a girl.

"We're not dating Sakura as a team," Neji hissed.

"But Neji! When you finally do make a move on Ten Ten, don't you want to know how to please her?"

There was a long, meaningful pause, in which Lee watched Neji's eyebrow begin to twitch again, and Neji said nothing. Finally, the Hyuuga spoke in a forcibly calm tone.

"So. Lee. If… If we were… to do this… _kissing_ thing. Once. Would you leave me alone and never _ever_ speak of this again?"

"I swear on my honor as a Konoha Shinobi!" Lee cried, dramatically.

"And… If we do this… Would there be…" Neji paused.

"…Yes, Neji?"

"…Would you have to--"

"…Would I have to what?"

"Tongues," Neji finally said, with a shudder of distaste. "Would we have to use tongues?"

"Well, according to Gai-sensei," Lee began, "The tongue is an essential part of various--"

"Yes or no, Lee."

"Yes."

The eyebrow twitched again, and Neji started to back away, giving Lee a dark look. However, resignation finally passed over his typically blank features and he seemed to make some attempt at visibly preparing himself.

"Fine. Let's get this over with." Neji muttered.

"Yes!" Lee pumped his fist in the air and did a few stretches, before moving closer. Neji backed up until he bumped against the tree behind him and lingered, turning his head aside slightly. Lee approached, coming closer and closer, before pausing. The looked at one another intently.

"…So." Lee began.

"What now?" Neji asked, tersely.

"Well…"

"Lee."

"Okay. Let me look at my notes," Lee said, and to Neji's horror, he whipped out his notebook and began flipping through. "All right! First we are going to put our arms around one another."

"No."

"Neji, don't worry. This is as Gai-sensei instructed. He is never wrong about these things. I promise."

Neji braced himself, before awkwardly raising his arms. Lee raised his, and tentatively looped them over Neji's shoulders. Neji loosely slipped his around Lee's back, trying to keep as much distance between them as possible even in the embrace. Once they had situated their arms in a way so that there was as little body to body contact as possible, Lee and Neji paused once more.

"…Okay, Neji. Are you ready?"

"No."

"…Are you ready now?"

"No."

"Are you ever going to be ready?"

"…No."

"Maybe you should initiate mouth-to-mouth contact, then. It might be easier to let the woman make the first move."

"Lee. DO NOT call me a woman."

"I meant that if Sakura-san--"

"I don't care."

"Okay! I am ready when you are!" Lee said, cheerfully.

Neji hesitated for another long moment, before finally leaning forth – cursing fate the entire time – and, after hesitating and seeing Lee was starting to move into the "nice guy pose" as encouragement, he gave the other a swift peck on the lips.

A moment later, when they both finished coughing, spluttering, and wiping their mouths off, Lee straightened and gave Neji a quick thumbs up.

"All right, Neji! That was a good start! According to Gai-sensei, the next step after the 'light peck' is the 'tender, romantic kiss and nice guy caress!'"

"Lee…" Neji began, weakly. "No."

"But Neji! You said--"

"—No caress."

"But--"

"NO, LEE." Neji's typically expressionless face was now miserable as he straightened up – he had been on his hands and knees, dry heaving – and they faced one another again.

"…This time, I will initiate contact, Neji."

"No."

"Yes."

"Fine. Just make it quick."

Lee licked his lips, and Neji backed up completely against the tree. Finally, Lee leaned forth and pressed his lips to Neji's, as the other boy tensed, his eyes rolling into the back of his head. Briefly, Lee noted that, if he closed his own eyes, there really _wasn't_ any difference- Neji tasted like dumplings, his lips were slightly chapped but still warm and rather soft, and, while Neji smelled a little less flowery and slightly sweatier than Sakura probably did, it was not entirely unpleasant. Quickly gaining his bearings, Lee attempted one of the techniques Gai-sensei had explained to him – he ran a hand through Neji's long hair and tilted his head a little.

After a moment, it occurred to him that Neji was no longer breathing, and he drew away. The other was reddening swiftly, and although his eyes were tightly shut, he had Byagukan activated.

"Eight." Neji said.

"Eight? Out of ten?"

"Eight birds. One 36.5 degrees to the west at 5 meters. Another 34.2 degrees to the west, at 5.7 meters. Another--"

"Neji!"

"I _need_ a distraction, Lee!"

"All right! Let us now move to tongues."

Neji opened his eyes and stared at Lee, deactivating his Byagukan and glaring. "…No."

"Neji, you said--"

" _Fine._ But hurry."

Lee grabbed Neji in an immense bear-hug and smothered him with his best approximation of a 'mind blowing kiss', even as the other boy bent backwards and tried to avoid it. Lee attempted to utilize his tongue in the way Gai-sensei had instructed, but instead of melting in passion, Neji choked. Lee withdrew for a moment, not wanting to force the issue, before going at it a little more easily, pretending that Neji was a more flat-chested and longer-haired version of Sakura. It worked quite well, although Neji choked, squirmed, and choked again, before finally going still and rather limp in Lee's arms. Lee hurriedly drew back.

"Neji! Did I suffocate you? You do know that you're supposed to be breathing through your nose, don't you?"

Neji's eyes were closed, but he did not look as tense as he had before.

"No, Lee." He murmured. "But…"

"Yes?"

Neji was quiet for a long time. "…I don't think you've quite got the hang of it. So… another try, maybe?"

Lee enthusiastically saluted, before drawing Neji into another massive bear hug and smothering him with another 'mind blowing kiss of passion.' Gai-sensei, like always, was correct: when done properly, this was pleasurable for both the man and the woman, or, in this case, man and man's team mate pretending to be a woman. Lee dipped in a little further, hands running through Neji's hair, which – as impossible as this seemed – might have been even more soft and silky than Sakura-san's, and while Neji's hips were not the proper shape for childbearing and his chest was rather flat, Neji made an excellent substitute.

After three minutes and forty-two seconds, Lee drew back, panting slightly. Neji's eyes were closed and his pale skin was slightly red, but he had relaxed a little.

"Neji! That was excellent!"

"…Lee…"

"Yes?"

"Er… Has Gai taught you any more advanced techniques?"

"Indeed!" And Lee's eyes widened. "Oooh, Neji! Are you suggesting that we practice those, too?"

"It depends. What do they involve?"

"Well… Let me see." Lee flipped through his notes again. "Ah, yes. There are techniques for ears, necks, and… well, I suppose this one would not work on your anatomy. I don't think it would, anyway," Lee said, with a blush.

"…Maybe not. But these techniques may be necessary for your date with Sakura tomorrow, so you should practice them tonight. As training."

Lee brightened up instantly. "YES! This is most excellent training! By the time it is completed, no woman in Konoha will be able to resist our charm, skills, and finesse!"

Neji stared at him, before shaking his head slightly. "…Hn. Whatever. Let's… Get this over with."

Lee lunged, grabbing Neji and kissing his neck. It was soft, tasted a little sweaty, and quite warm, but Lee found that this, too, was pleasurable – and rather fun. Neji made a good woman, although it was not unpleasant to press his body against Neji's – as he was – and feel Neji's heartbeat against his own. Still, it was going quite well – Sakura-san was going to be swept off her feet by his wily charms and excellent techniques! Lee, without asking, left Neji's neck behind and attempted the famed earlobe nibbling technique Gai-sensei had told him about.

To his surprise, Neji didn't protest. On the contrary, he seemed to be rather relaxed, even moving into it a little. Deciding that variety was the spice of life, Lee kissed Neji on the lips again, and – he was working more on instinct now than the techniques Gai-sensei had told him about – he started to nibble a little on Neji's lower lip. After around seven minutes and fifty two seconds, Lee drew back.

"Lee. I think you need more work on the neck technique," Neji said after a moment. Lee agreed and pressed his mouth to Neji's neck once more, surprised to hear Neji let out a distinctly pleased-sounding sigh.

"Neji!" Lee said, as he paused for a moment and caught his breath. "You are doing a great job of acting how Sakura-san might in this situation!" Lee gave Neji a quick thumbs up.

"…Right, Lee. But you still need more work on the neck technique."

"All right! Your constructive criticism is most appreciated!"

Lee got back to it, kissing up and down Neji's somewhat skinny neck before kissing him on the mouth one last time and drawing back. Unintentionally, he had pinned Neji up against a tree, and the other looked rather uncomfortable.

"Well, Neji?"

"…I… ah… think that's enough, Lee."

"Yes! Sakura-san will be swept off her feet tomorrow!"

"…Yeah."

"Thank you, Neji! Your help has been most invaluable!" After a moment, Lee noticed that Neji looked vaguely mortified, and was starting to back away.

"You're not injured, are you? I slammed you against the tree rather roughly."

"N…No. I'm not injured."

Lee looked at Neji for a moment, before suddenly pumping his fist in the air excitedly. "OoooHOOO! I must be truly skilled to have caused this kind of reaction from--"

"—Lee." Neji's eyebrow twitched.

"—According to Gai-sensei, a nice, cold shower will--"

"I know that!" Neji snapped.

"Okay. Good night, Neji!" Lee said, to Neji's swiftly retreating backside. Neji, half-waddling and half-running, said nothing.

* * *

Two days later, Neji arrived at the training grounds in the morning for another day of preparation for the coming Chuunin exam, and was immediately somewhat surprised to see that Lee wasn't present and Ten Ten looked vaguely distressed. Gai was off with Kakashi on a special mission, leaving only half of Team Gai present – the sane half, Neji thought.

"Neji!" Ten Ten spotted him, and came running up, looking vaguely distressed. "I think you need to talk to Lee."

"What?" Neji asked, clueless.

"He's over by the river picking flowers and tearing their petals off."

"…That sounds like something Lee might do."

"I _know!_ But he's been sulking all morning, and when I asked him, he just went off on some tangent about the 'misguided passions of youth', or something."

"…And what does this have to do with me?"

"…Well, I couldn't get anywhere with him, and Gai-sensei isn't here, so… Why don't you go talk to him? Neji, he's not even training. Lee _always_ trains. And besides, he got here later than I did this morning. Lee is _never_, _ever_ late."

"I still don't see what this has to do with me."

"He might listen to you. C'mon, Neji. Teamwork," Ten Ten admonished. Neji scowled, before turning and storming in the direction of the river. However, upon finding Lee- who was sulking ridiculously and tossing flower petals into the water – he could see what Ten Ten meant. Lee was _pathetic_ looking.

"…Lee." Neji began, but Lee immediately let out a wail and threw his arms around Neji's neck. Neji tried backing away before he was uncomfortably reminded of the shameful incident of the night before last, but Lee clung to him like a limpet.

"Neji! I have failed!"

"…You have?"

"The date went wonderfully," Lee cried. "Sakura-san even said I was sweet! After the meal, we retreated to the river side, and Sakura displayed all the signs of wanting to be kissed – she even asked me for one – and then…" Lee trailed off, and Neji arched an eyebrow after a moment, impatiently. Lee sighed.

"…I became nervous, and to reassure her of my abilities I accidentally told her that I had gained ample practice by kissing you, and that you had enjoyed it. It was foolish of me, of course. Sakura-san was terribly displeased, and she might have even been a little frightened--"

Halfway through his tale of woe, Lee felt a sudden uneasy sensation and backed up, looking at Neji, who had Byagukan activated – his typical response to danger.

"Lee. You didn't really tell Sakura that, did you?"

"Unfortunately, Neji, I did."

"No, Lee. You didn't."

"Yes. I did."

"No."

"Yes."

"…No."

"Well…"

Now things were starting to make sense to Neji. On the way to the training grounds this morning he had passed many of the other Genin on their way to their training, and he had just assumed it was some kind of foolishly brave, cockroach-like stupidity that had prompted Ino to snicker at him, Kiba to wolf-whistle behind his back, Hinata's strangely nervous blushing, Shino's slightly raised eyebrow, Chouji's sudden choking on his chips, Shikamaru's bemused look and Sakura's dirty glare. As fate would have it, he had even passed Hiashi-sama and the other Hyuuga elders, who had all given him disapproving glares as he went by. Of course. Lee had told Sakura, Sakura had probably let it slip to Ino, and from there, it had spread all over Konoha.

"Lee. Do you remember when I said never to speak of _that_ night to anyone?"

"It was the heat of the moment, Neji. I was overwhelmed by the passion of youth. Gai-sensei would be sorely disappointed in me--"

_"Lee." _

"Yes?"

For a long while, Neji glared at him, and it occurred to Lee that Neji was practically _blossoming_ with murderous intent. However, he calmed after a moment, deactivating his Byagukan and straightening up out of the pose that he usually started in before launching off into his 64-strike juuken attack.

"Lee…" Neji paused.

"Yes, Neji?"

"…Ten Ten isn't here."

"No. I believe she is over in the training grounds."

"…Perhaps you and I should train some more."

Lee brightened up immediately. "Neji! You are serious?"

"You still have a few more of Gai-sensei's techniques to practice, correct?"

"Yes, Neji! And some of them might even help improve our flexibility and endurance!"

Neji looked at Lee. "…Hn. Okay. We should get to work."

"All right, Neji!" And Lee pounced. "If she gives me another chance, Sakura-san will be unable to resist the sacred arts of the Lotus of Love!"

…And apparently, nor could Neji.

Maybe Lee was a genius after all, Neji decided a few minutes later – just not at Ninjitsu.

* * *

Ten Ten waited for about twenty minutes, before scowling and heading off to train on her own, eerily unnerved by the loud whoops and yells coming from near the riverbank. It sounded like Lee… and it sounded like Lee was…

No.

She decided, quite wisely, that there was no need to investigate further into whatever it was that Neji and Lee were doing.

**THE END **

* * *


End file.
